The Mom Chronicles: When it rains, it pours
This week I find myself back on solid earth out of the confinements of my husband's semi truck. It's good to be home. Or was, at least. But I will explain that in a moment.
First I want to follow up, as promised, to my little little experiment of Eat, Pray, Love Mom Chronicles style. Well, lets just say it wasn't exactly as glamorous as the movie and I didn't take away quite as much as the gal who did the original experience did. However, that is not to say it was a failure. The scale upon my arrival home certainly confirmed the fact that I ate. Unfortunately, the highlight of my eating was a whopper with cheese on one of the last days after eating nothing but snacks and sandwiches up to that point. In terms of the praying, I think what I walked away with is I have been pretty out of touch with the spiritual me. I tried to take some quiet time and keep my head from spinning with the traditional worries and stressers it likes to run with, and that was very hard. I found myself wanting to seek that spiritual connection again, and admitably it was challenging. But it gave me a place to start and I am making progress.
Finally, the love. Oh, the love. Well, all I can say on that is it ended better then it started. My husband treated me with a venture to a museum of my favorite race car driver and I totally loved him for that. While he would argue I spent more time on my facebook page or playing on my Blackberry, we actually had a fair amount of time to bond and talk about some things. Our problems are certainly not gone by any means, but that was the most time we've spent together by ourselves in four years, and we needed that.
Now, as I suggested earlier coming home wasn't as great as I thought. In fact I asked my hubby yesterday if I could go take his truck out for the week this week and let him stay home and put out fires all week. You see, it's good I had a couple days away as I came home to quite the storm. They do say, afterall, when it rains it pours. In this house it certainly does.
Let me share. So while I got my school bill paid it wasn't before all my classes had been dropped and I found out there were no openings in any of the ones I needed. That meant spending tons of time emailing professors for spots in classes. Some have worked out, others not.And while the bill for my classes was taken care of, it still remains to be seen how I will be able to get the books I need for them. Since being home I have also been diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease that has the same complications as that which is responsible for taking a substantial part of my uncle's vision. The same day I got home from the doctor from learning this, I had a phone call regarding the ability for my family to stay in our current residence and it remains to be seen if my family will still have a roof over our heads a month from now. As if none of this were enough I am days away from the anniversary of the loss of a baby two years ago, and I continue to be strung out by the county and my disability company in terms of help and assistence I need for my family. Assistence for medictions I have gone weeks with out, and for income I currently have none of. So pretty much things are pretty rough right now. Pretty much I feel like I am on the receiving end of someone's bad joke and have had enough being rained on.
I guess you could say that is why I have struggled so with the spiritual portion of life lately. I have struggled to understand why it is that some people are given so much? Why are some tested and dumped on over and over I want to know? When is enough, enough?
And so my moms while these are questions I put out there not necessarily looking for answers to but more just to throw out in to the great unknown, what I can say is that despite this all, I am still here. I am not sure how. I am not sure how some times at some moments I figure out how to even get one foot in front of the other. It's a miracle I am still standing at all. And yes, I am wondering just how much one person is meant to be able to take. Definitely part of me wants back on that truck to hide and get away from this all. However if there was anything I learned on that truck it was that while I may not be the greatest mom (far from it) or be able to give my kids everything they need and want, I love them, and I missed them, and I am so lucky to have them. I had everything I needed on the truck- time, food, a roof over my head, protection from the world of hurts around me. But what I didn't have were the two things that mean most to me, my kids. And so while my world continues to rain, I will be a shelter to them. I will try to protect them from it the best I can that they can continue to live a happy and carefree life that they are meant to live. In the mean time, think of us this week as we continue to struggle to find footing in a very unsteady time. There is after all the reality that once the rain settles, there is the inevitable mud that follows that's just as easy to get stuck in.
In full rain gear I say to you, have a great week.
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