The Mom Chronicles: Eat, Pray, Love Mom Chronicle Style
Hi, moms. Fall is in the air and I absolutely love it!
Well, this week I find myself on an interesting journey. I am on a break from school for a couple weeks and quite frankly in need of some time away, and so to pass the time I agreed, reluctantly, to accompany my husband in his semi-truck for a few days this week. I say reluctantly, because sitting in a semi-truck for sixteen hours a day in this beautiful weather is not exactly my idea of a good time. Yet I did it perhaps out of inspiration by the new movie out based on the book "Eat.Pray.Love." Now, I haven't seen it yet, nor have I read the book, but last week's episode of Oprah (which I have now had time to watch) did a good job of discussing it, so I got the jist and felt like it was exactly what the doctor called for.For the purpose of saving space here, if you aren't familiar with it, I encourage you to look in to it, but the synopsis is that its about a woman who goes on a bit of a soul searching mission following a divorce and deep depression in her life.
Now without knowing how it goes or how the story ends, perhaps in some way I felt like joining my hubby could be my own time away from the world to examine these things on my own. Now, certainly places like Italy or Indonesia may be a much grander place to do so as the book and movie did, but my world offers limitations that ultimately don't allow me to do this on such a scale.
Well, as I write this today, it is Monday. I have been in the truck for one day and I have mastered eating. Lots and lots of eating. No delicacies or lucious treats to arouse the tastebuds, unless you count those observed in the move "Julia and Julia" I watched. No, just some Twizzlers, chips and salsa and salads compliments of our local Cub foods.Yet, I am eating alright. But pretty sure I have missed the point. Instead of eating for pleasure and to find a sense of joy in something not normally joyful for me, I have tainted it with feelings of guilt and regret as my stomach bloats out today screaming "Don't eat! Don't eat!" Perhaps the joy and pleasure in it is yet to come (will I find some great treat at a truck stop perhaps? Ah, the possibilities are endless!)
Now, as for the praying and love, I have had my share of thinking time on my hands, and while no real praying yet, perhaps there is the reality that that needs to come. That spiritually I have lost my connection,my devotion, to that which is there to guide and create me and perhaps life wouldn't be so hard if only I got that connection back. Perhaps then could I be humbled in the generosity of others rather then feeling guilty and ashamed for needing their help, as I recently felt in having to utilize public assistence again. Feelings, mind you, that were self inflicted completely,not based whatsoever on the treatment from those offering it. But perhaps it indicated that I need to be able to get past my own feelings of worthlessness and instead feel courage. Perhaps all these feelings of fear I struggle with and feelings of being out of control I need to instead look to confront. And perhaps there lies in there somewhere, compassion for myself.
And that brings me to the love. I admit there has not been much lovey dovey in that oversided truck. I have hibernated in the sleeper compartment and watched movies, mostly, while only emerging to use the bathroom. However, it was part of the plan. My husband and I have, in working on and trying to make decisions still on our marriage after what's been quite the road, had intended on going on a couple's retreat. It hasn't been in the budget. Instead, I guess you could say this has taken its place. And while perhaps in the next four days it will emerge, my guess is that the love on this journey will be a lot more about myself then him.
And that brings me to that need for compassion as it goes with love. I am not talking of compassion for others, I have that licked. I am talking compassion towards myself. I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage my own life because I feel I deserve it. I treat myself poorly because I feel I don't deserve better. I stumble. I fall. I feel like that's what I do best,and I feel that way even amid a very conflicting new sense of self that is a direct impact of doing well in school. That need for compassion towards self, that's the big one.
It's day two.
And so my mom's this is no Hollywood tale. This is nothing you will see on the big screen or read about probably much beyond here (and yes, I do promise to let you know how it all ends next week!). However, it is a journey I am taking for a whole lot of reasons, mostly in hopes that one day in my life, I will be able to step back and truly live. I have a card hanging on my fridge that reads " The world is full of many people who will go through their whole lives and never actually live one day. She did not intend on being one of them." Perhaps this little venture around the midwest is my trying to figure out how to have that one day full of pleasure, devotion and balance, even if it is happening from the back of a big rig semi truck.
And finally, an unrelated call for help. I am seeking any of your knowledge of resources available beyond traditional loans to help pay for school. My fall semester is supposed to start next week, but I can't start until I get my summer paid for, which gives me little time. My financial situation is such I can't do it on my own, and losing my outlet of school would be devistating. And so if any of you are aware of any resources that can help quickly, please notify me through the paper.
As always have a beatiful and safe week and in it may you find your own peices of pleasure, devotion and balance.
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