When my kids get big owies or are very sad they get those big, full tears which I refer to as Gator tears. They almost always make me choked up, too. Tonight, I have gator tears.
It's funny.. I literally like five minutes ago got done with my previous entry about how God is testing me through my loss and how I continue to have to seek him for peace and I logged on to facebook to see my sister having had finally made her announcement of her upcoming pregnancy. She is due ten days after I was. Now, I have known about this for a while and they have held off on the announcement on my behalf, but I knew this time was coming and there would be a day when I would get on to see this very thing. I was just not expecting it tonight. And so I am immediately tested. All those big brave words about trusting God and seeking Him and I imagine God in Heaven going "Ok, Amy- are you all talk or is there some substance behind this? Are you really going to trust me? If I test you by - I don't know- allowing you to see posts about your sister and another family members pregnancies are you going to be able to do this?" The answer is yes, God. I am here.
I read the post and Gator tears filled my eyes and began running down my cheeks. This is not fair. I am angry. I am sad. I am so many things. And it isn't her fault. I can't expect her not to be happy and celebrate her upcoming joys because of me. And so rather then hurting her by not joining in on the already 18 people who have commented with their Congrats, I did the unthinkable. I unfriended my sister. Is that ok? Can we do that? I guess I will find out.
Actually, no. I know the truth is for me, for this moment, I had to. I feel horrible. I want to be happy. I want to celebrate. I want to be able to join in and congratulate her and woo over her, but the truth is I can't, and I am not going to pretend something that is not genuine. And I know as a Christian and as a sister I should not be feeling these things, but as a human, I am. And for now, that is ok.
The reality is, as with my friend Janell, some day I will be able to be genuinely happy for my sister and be able to "friend" her again to hear all about her upcoming baby bliss. today is not that day. And, I am convinced that as I work through this journey with the help of the Lord that I may some day get there.
It will not always be this hard. But I am sure glad that while it is, there is only one set of footprints in the sand..and that they are not my own.
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