The Mom Chronicles: Living On
This past week, while mindlessly cruising facebook for a deeply needed escape (I know, what a place for it, right?) I stumbled upon a posting by one of my facebook friends. It was a simple quote that struck a huge chord. The post was something that Robert Frost once said and read " In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on."
This quote has resignated with me this week for the substantial truth that it speaks. For those of you who missed my column last week, I experienced yet another miscarriage and have been dealing with the inexplicable loss that comes with not only three consecutive miscarriages, but one at a stage where I had seen, heard and felt it numerous times. In my grief, I have in many instances felt like my life was standing still. Feeling so paralized by the deepness of my pain and sadness I could do nothing but simply curl up and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, the world around me did not just stop to let me experience this pain. Classes at school continued. My children still had their appointments. Extended family members announced they were expecting new babies and friends delivered others. My husband still had to work. My laundry and dishes still needed to be washed, and my two little ones that I do have at home still needed a mom.
On so many levels this didn't seem fair. If I am hurting so much, why aren't others? Why can't life just stop and let me have this grief and pain? But then I realized, in continuing on, life actually is giving me a gift.
How many times have we as moms said to our kids "life goes on" or "we don't always get what we want" or "life isn't always fair"? How many times have we had to coach them through moments of disappointment and sadness simply because it is how life works? By moving on life is almost giving us the kick in the pants to say I know you are sad and disappointed, but you must not stop living. Imagine if life did stop when tragedy strikes? Would any of us ever really move on or learn from it? Would we be able to make the changes in our lives and the world around us that impact us for years to come? No. And so in a sense, these words we speak to our children when life isn't fair to them are the same words we need to remember ourselves when tragedy strikes.
Life is not always fair. It is painful. It is at times brutal. But it's gift to us is that it keeps going on. The sun continues to rise and set. The grass and flowers grow. The circle of life continues to flow. And that can offer us some hope in these horrific times of loss and sadness. There is hope in the sun rising tomorrow, in that in each new day lies new possibilities. There is hope in the circle of life continuing because that opens the door for a new life to enter ours. There is hope in growth in the world around us, because it means that in adversity, there is still opportunity to not just survive, but to bloom and grow. How many times, for example, have you watched your flowers get baked in the hot summer sun and appear wilted or dead only to emerge more radient then ever after a soaking rain? Or farmers see their crops pelted by hail, only to rebound?
Now, for many who have potentially experienced a new loss or even myself, this can all sound like a lot of feel good junk that is full of fluff and air that we just can't accept or acknowledge right now. That's ok. What makes it ok is that tomorrow the sun will come up again, and as sad as we feel in this moment now, there is a possiblity, that tomorrow won't feel quite so bad. Tomorrow has the potential to offer us even five more minutes that are easier then today. Tomorrow has the potential to offer us insight or knowledge we seek. The potential for something good to emerge. Additionally, anyone who has experienced such a loss is entitled to these days. I have often felt pushed to just get over this or felt guilty for still feeling so bad. What's wrong with me, I have wondered? But the reality is that grief is normal. Losses affect people differently, and so even if you can't believe things will improve, that's ok. There is no rush. But life will be there for you, when you are ready for it.
And so my moms, life goes on. I have homework and housework to catch up on. I have kids to tend to and enjoy. But at the same time, not a moment goes by that I don't and won't miss and remember that child that was and is no more. Going on doesn't mean forgetting. It just means embracing what is now, and finding a way to embrace our grief with out allowing it to overcome us. Easier said then done, yes. But as I found in my previous losses it does get easier. Eventually. And life continues on.
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