The Mom Chronicles 5

July 26th 2009

The Mom Chronicles- Finding Your Voice
Sometimes life is funny. Not funny “ha” or funny “ha ha” but funny ironic. Life never ceases to surprise me. It is full of one twist or turn after another, most of which leave me scratching my head wondering what just happened, or searching to find meaning or purpose in the events that have taken place.

To those of us who have daughters, I think life is especially “funny”. As moms, I think daughters give us a look in to our own selves in a way that our sons do not. Perhaps that is where the special bond comes from. For dads, I am sure it is just the opposite. Now I admit, I always wanted a girl. At least one. However, as much as I wanted a girl, I was and remain terrified to have one. It always seemed to me that girls hailed a higher level of responsibility. There are, after all, things that just make us girls “special”. And with that higher level of responsibility, comes a higher level of fear.

As moms, I think we are very good at recognizing what we are good at and what we are not; at examining ourselves with a fine toothed comb, and finding not just things we like, but especially the things we don’t. Moreover, I think I would be hard pressed to find a mother of a daughter out there that did not have some feeling of hope that their daughter in one way or another did not possess a certain quality or trait or experience that they did.

For me, I find myself thinking about this very thing quite often. As my daughter continues to grow and change, there are days I look at her and hope she is just like me, and others I hope she is everything but.

My daughter, while only 15 months old, in recent weeks has changed a lot. She is indeed getting bigger and hitting more milestones, but more noticeably her personality is blooming and she is getting much more verbal. I can not tell you how many times I hear coming from my son in the back seat, “Ella! Shush!” or, “Mom, tell Ella to be QUIET!”. Needless to say, Matthew does not appreciate her being vocal as much as I! Yet, it is not just her voice and self expression that has changed. She gets mad. She gets very mad. There are times my sweet little Ella has started arching her back, throwing her arms in the air and screeching on the top of her lungs to express her shear dislike of a particular situation or circumstance. My same little girl that so gingerly cares for her babies or entertains everyone in church by her “singing” or that shows off her new tricks like “so big” and “peek-a-boo”, is indeed the same little girl that will curl up into the fetal position and sob when her brother takes away a toy she has or doesn’t share with her to protest the great injustice that has just occurred.

I must admit that I know life as a mother to a daughter may at times be trying or more emotional than it will be with my son. However, at the same time, I feel like I have been given a very special gift in being given a daughter as well.

Being a girl is not easy. We struggle with body issues and weight issues and self esteem issues in ways that many men do not. And we all know girls, well, they can be cruel to one another, critical and judgmental, however, probably never as harsh as we are on ourselves. There are pressures we face from others, and self imposed pressures as well. When girls turn in to women, these things don’t change. They just get more complicated.

Perhaps then, I feel somewhat privileged to have been chosen to undertake this very special task of mothering a daughter. In doing so, I have received a gift that I did not expect. Being a mother to a daughter has made me want to be a little kinder to myself. Remember those things I said we hoped we would never pass on to our daughters? I find myself more and more aware of those things each and every day, as I find myself wanting more and more to be someone my daughter can look up to and admire.

Unlike my son, I am in no hurry to “shush” my daughter in her new verbal ways. Contrary to him, I actually hope that she will continue to learn to use her voice in ways that I was not. I hope when she gets older she will be able to praise herself and her appearance so she is not plagued of years dealing with eating disorders and body issues as I did. I hope she will be able to use her words to say “No” or “Red Light- STOP!” to others that may threaten to hurt her or take something from her she is not ready to give. Unlike I was, I hope she is able to express what her needs are. I will nurture that “strong” personality of hers, in hopes that she will not curl up and let a situation get the best of her, but that she will flail her arms and take a stand and be able to say that she deserves better.

These are the things I am just learning to do for myself now. These are the things that I find myself struggling with on a day to day basis. It is not easy. It is, however, who I am. Unfortunately, it was just never fostered to come out. Is it different for me? Yes. Do people always like it? No. Of course not. But I am proud. I am proud because I am for the first time in my life being who I know that I am, using the voice I was given to use. I never said “No” or “Red light- Stop” when bad things were happening to me. I never stood up for myself or praised myself for doing what was right. My daughter on the other hand. She is something else. She is already doing those things in her own way. For that, I am so very proud. She may never be president or famous or world renowned for doing something great. What she will be, however, is heard. And I will never “Shush” her for that, as it is my hope, then, that she never has to endure the same things as I.

So that brings us full circle to how this article started to begin with. We were talking about life being funny. Ironic. The timing of my own personal growth and others resistance to it at the same time my daughter is learning the same skills before my very eyes is just that. What I struggle with so much every day is right in front of me when I look at my daughter and I wonder how life would have been different if only my voice had been fostered earlier.

Ironic? Funny? I don’t think so. Perhaps it’s just life. With that I ask you, have you found your voice today?