The Mom Chronicles: Age Matters
As a mother of two, I face a variety of challenges on a regular basis. However, being a mother of two children of different sexes offers different challenges that until now, I was never required to put much if any thought in to.
You see, it seems I find myself in a bit of unfamiliar territory. As I recognize the changes occuring with in my kids, naturally I want to make the best choices for them as I can. While they have been largely oblivious to the fact, I have been seeking answers lately to questions which will impact them in ways they may never even be aware of.
The answers I have sought are to questions that I am certain all of you parents of siblings of different genders or different sexes then you have wrestled with at one time or another. At what age should siblings of different genders stop bathing together (or should they ever start?) At what age should kids stop being allowed with you in the bathroom? At what age should you stop taking your opposite gender child in to a public restroom with you? At what age should you stop allowing your children to see you less then fully dressed?
While these matters aren't completely pressing, the time is approaching that I need to soon be making decisions on how to manage these things. And so, I did some research.
What I found was a whole lot of grey. Few, if any black and white answers. Most articles left such matters up to parental discretion and relied heavily on the responses of children in situations.
The one of these matters most clear was the public restroom one. Even now at four and a half sometimes young girls look at my son like he is crazy when he comes in to the bathroom with me in a mall or public place, and I can't help but wonder if I should be sending him in to the male bathroom on his own. Whenever possible, we use a family restroom, but as many of you are aware of these are not available in most places we encounter.
Some of the guidlines I did find in relation to this matter involved assessing your child's individual needs. Are they independant in things like zipping, unzipping, wiping, hand washing, latching a stall door, etc or do they still require your help? There is nothing worse then sending my son in to a bathroom, for example, and having him yell to me from inside he needs help wiping, and having to excuse myself in front of other male patrons using the facility to help him. Additionally, is your child showing signs they are uncomfortable using a different sex bathroom? If the answer to the above questions are that they largely still need help in the bathroom and are not embarassed to join you, most sources recommended they still accompany you. If your child is independant in their bathroom tasks and is comfortable going on their own, they should be encouraged to do so. If that is the case, it is important to have a place the child will find you as soon as they are done, or that you wait outside the bathroom door for them. It is also a time where good vs bad touch conversations should start taking place in the event God forbid anything happen in that bathroom when you are not present. Think your child is ready for a solo trip to the bathroom but unsure? Start with family friendly places with relatively small bathrooms like McDonalds or other familiar places. Stand outside the bathroom door and wait for your child, instructing them to call for you if they have any issues. As your child masters and gets more comfortable in such settings, you can expand and allow them to go in to bathrooms in less familiar settings. Remember, you know your child best. Trust yourself to help transition them in this basic activity and trust them to give you feedback.
So how about those other "at what age" questions? As it pertains to different gender bathing, most sources agreed that it was ok through early elementary school, as long as the bathing time is supervised and the kids are not uncomfortable with it. If at any point your child seems uneasy undressing around their different sex sibling or seems embarassed in sharing the tub, that means it is time to call it quits. Naturally questions and curiosity of differences in bodies are likely to emerge, but avoiding different sex baths in your kids just to avoid having to deal with this issue won't help in the long run. If your kids do wonder about the differences in their bodies, take the opportunity to educate them in an age appropriate way. Use the name of body parts rather then nicknames, and don't make a big deal out of it. Curiosity is a natural part of getting older and kids are likely to have questions. These same guidlines appear to be applicable for my other "at what age" questions.
Currently, while my kids are not yet asking many questions and as a mom that doesn't get a lot of breaks, I take times like my time I go to the bathroom to teach the kids about "privacy". My daughter loves hanging out in the bathroom with me, and so I have talked with her about mom needing privacy and what that means. Now she is using the same freedom when she goes to use the bathroom to say, "Mommy, Ella needs privacy". I think this has been excellent in teaching her self respect in a way she is too young to even recognize right now.
While these answers remain somewhat vague, I feel a little better having explored some of these inquiries. More then anything I have learned to trust my judgement and trust the cues my kids give me. These are some of the many decisions we as parents need to make, and while it can be difficult with as many different vues about such matters as there are families, each family must decide what is right for them based on their own values, beliefs, etc. I hope as you deal with these tender matters with your family that you, too are able to trust your children and gut to guide you.
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