The Mom Chronicles: The Mamma Bear Response - 1/21/10

The Mom Chronicles: The Mamma Bear Response
Hello again, moms. Well wouldn't you know? I survived my first week of school. Amen to that! It was less then traumatic and I was never referenced to as any thing other then a student so I would say that was a success! (No, no suggestions of my being a staff member this week..) In fact, I was pleasantly surprised that the demographics of my class, at least in age, are quite close to myself. In addition, while there are not a lot of "Gray hairs" in it, as one referred to them as, there are also few if any new high school grads to mention. While I am uncertain how many are new-career seeking moms like myself, I do know I am not the only mom in the class, and I guess there is some comfort in that.

So as I worked to adjust to life as a college student once again, life apparently felt I didn't have enough on my hands to deal with, and so it, as usual, bombarded with me multiple fires to put out and address. And not only did life give me things, but the things it gave were those which evoked the Mamma Bear response in me. Come on moms, you all know what it is and have it. It's the response we give when our cubs, our family, our den is threatened and it makes us come charging out of our den with our claws out and fangs and teeth showing and our hair stands on end and we come off of all four up on to our two back legs and we roar with vengence. NO ONE threatens our cubs/family/den.

This is the response drawn out of me on two occassions this week. Fortunately, life rarely evokes this kind of response with out giving us a way of coming down from it. For me this week, this came in the form of quote that was posted on a friend's "Facebook" site and it provided me with an incredible aha! moment which enabled me to come back down to all fours, yet maintain my ability to protect my cubs. The quote, which comes from David Russell, says "The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." This week, this mamma bear will be burning a lot more bridges then crossing them.

You see, unfortunately this past week has shown me some very ugly sides of some people in my life. Someone who I have gone out of my way to take under my wing and help and support while she had no one else, "thanked" me by doing something so malicious and cruel and spiteful, that not only was my family negatively effected and will be dealing with the horrific fallout from her choices for some time, but she could have potentially ruined my career as a EMT or paramedic, and future as a mom as well.Don't think that didn't evoke more then a minor Mamma bear response. And then there was my husband's family. He and I have never seen eye to eye in terms of our feelings towards them, until this past weekend, that is when I was left feeling nothing but sadness and compassion for him as he worked to deal with great hurt that resulted from a very mean and unfair and judgemental interaction that was had during a get together that was supposed to be one of fun and family, as holiday get togethers should be, and left with the feelings similar to those I have carried for so long.In both cases the claws came out. Yet, I look at that which transpired and the choices I have in terms of dealing with them and this quote easily comes to mind. Life is all about making choices. It is about looking at a situation, a relationship, an interaction and deciding if it is something to fight for, or not. If it is a bridge worth crossing, or burning. And perhaps it was the reminder that it is ok to choose the latter that helped me through my processing of this past week, though it doesn't mean we move from our lookout spot outside our den.

As moms we make choices all the time. We are constantly responding to our kids, to their choices and behaviors, to the choices and behaviors of those around us. And while this can be very difficult, something I am learning, is at every situation to take inventory. Is this a person or situation that I care deeply about and want in my life so I am willing to resolve, or do the risks of the situation outweigh the benefits, in which as difficult as it can be the bridge must be burned? As moms, 99% of the time we choose to cross the bridge. We are invested in our kids and relationships with them so much that as difficult as the situation may be, as much as we don't like a choice our child has made or action they have taken, we find ways of working it out and teaching them how not to create the situation again. We can use this when our children get hurt by friends or others, to help them decide if the person is someone they really value and want in their life, or someone that perhaps difficult as it may be, is ok to let go of. The reality is that in life, things are constantly happening. People are constantly hurting us, disappointing us. And it is our choice to choose at which point things have gone too far and the benefits of the relationship no longer outweigh the risks and it is time to "burn the bridge".

Of the two situations I made reference to that evoked my Mamma Bear response, one of the bridges is most certainly being burned. On the other, it is at least being "singed" until a more permanant decision can be made. And the fact that we can make that choice, as difficult and important of a choice it is, is a very freeing thing. And that is something we can teach our kids, that there is always a choice. That we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and infact have the right to demand it. And in all situations and with all people, if that is not happening, it is ok to turn and take the other path.It is ok to protect the den. It is ok, and we should, stand up for ourselves when a great disservice has been done. It is ok, and we should, teach our kids self respect, that they may never feel that the cruel actions of others are their fault, or were deserved. Will they always be liked for it? No. Are people generally respectful or happy when a boundary is set by another or relationship is severed due to ones poor choice? Not so much, usually because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and accept that what they did was so deeply hurtful to another. AND that doesn't mean, it still isn't ok to set those boundaries and end the relationships which are anything but respectul and supportive and loving.

Now, Mamma bears, I am not telling you all to go out and burn all the bridges to those who have wronged you. What I am telling you instead, is that you never have to feel like you don't have that as a choice, because you do. And it is your job in defending your den and all that is in it, to decide the level of investment and value in a relationship. .

And so my moms, as I embark on week two of school, and work to juggle school and motherhood and all else I have going on, I am at least reminded of the choices I have, and I have enough self respect that I am convinced I can make those choices based on what is best for me and my family. I am also very aware, as my friend Mike who posted this quote on his facebook page reminded us of as well, that even when the bridges are identified, actually striking a match can be a whole process as well. Call it self respect or "Mamma Bear" coming out of the den to protect her family. Whichever the case, these things that happened last week, will never happen again. Not if this mamma can help it.

The Mom Chronicles: Returning to An Era - Going Back to School

The Mom Chronicles: The Return to an Era


This is a big week. This week marks a new beginning for me, or rather return to an era I almost forgot existed: the scholastic era. Like most, after high school I went on to college, embarking on goals and trying to achieve dreams previously set for myself. I did the juggle with school and money and life, and unfortunately, I never finished. Since that time I have judged myself harshly against my siblings as I remain the only one to not complete school. I know having a degree to hang on ones wall or initials to put behind ones name doesn't determine worth, but certain with out those I have felt somewhat incomplete. In addition, college is something very important to me and a value I hope to extend upon to my children, and that said, when the opportunity arose for me to go back, I siezed it.

Getting hurt at work and ultimately losing my job, while extrememly unfortunate, has provided me with the opportunity to do something different. I can no longer do the kind of work I used to do, and no job means some time on my hands to pursue something different, so I searched with in and determined as I have shared with you all that a career in Emergency Health Services is the direction I want to go. So, I enrolled in the EMT (Emergency Medical Technition) course at Inver Hills Community College, and will be pursing the associates degree as a Paramedic following it's completion. That means as of eight a.m. on Tuesday, I am a student once again.

So how am I feeling about this? Well, for starters I feel old. While on campus doing some last minute things last week a much younger student approached me and was like, "Um, are you like, a staff member or a student because they like, really need to salt this side walk better!" I was like, student! How old do I look? And yet to give the response of "student" was so odd. It's been a long time since I have been able to call myself that. Yet, it was kind of nice. As I walked to my car shaking my head, I thought, "Yes, student. That's right." And then quickly threw my new Inver Hills Sweatshirt on over my head to hopefully give myself a more youthful appearance, vowing not to be mistaken as a staff member again!

Being a new student has meant doing all the things new students do. I went shopping for school supplies like a backpack, pens, paper, highlighters, and the like. I stood somewhat directionless in the Target school supply aisle. It's been so long, I had to think about what I needed. Then there was the hundred and fourty bucks on books, and hundred and seventy bucks on my EMT pants, boots, EMT student shirts, and paramedic shirt required for the class. No one said school is cheap. After collecting all my things, I eagerly went home to prepare my back pack and try on my clothes. My husband teased about whether we need to take first day of school pictures or not. I begged to differ. Though I admit I did and do feel a sense of pride. My son does, too. "I proud you, Mommy!" He said. Me, too.

You see, it would have been very easy to throw away my dream of becoming a Paramedic. I could have said I was too old or too this or too that and not gone back to school, but I am and it is sure to be a new adventure. I don't know if I am ready for homework and clinicals while juggling single mom hood, but I am up for the challenge. You see, I want to make my kids proud. I want them to see if you put your mind to it you can do anything. I want them to see me sworn in some day as an EMT or Paramedic on a firedepartment (hopefully ours!) and be able to be like, "That's our mom!" I can't wait for that day!

In the mean time, think of me as I once again walk those halls, and write those papers, and study for those tests, and do all that it entails to be a student once again. I may not be one of the young ones on campus, but I will most certainly be one of the most driven ones. They must think so, too, as I was even given a scholarship to attend. So wish me luck. I will let you know how it goes.

Hang on and Enjoy the Ride~!

Hi, Moms!~ Happy New Year! Here is my column from last week's paper. Enjoy! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that your New Year is off to a great start! I look forward to all that this year holds!
Amy

The Mom Chronicles: Enjoy the Ride 

 

"Hold your breath and enjoy the ride!" This was the advice of one of the TV announcers last week during Monday night football as we fans got ready to watch the over time segment of the all important Vikings and Bears game. The outcome? As we all know, the Vikes choked. However the announcers comment prior to the toss to start the over time period got me thinking. Kind of a catchy phrase, I thought. And as I pondered it further a light went off. Aha! Could this be the theme for my 2010?

 

Well, before I start talking 2010 I'd like to wrap up 2009 by saying that I hope all of you had a beautiful Christmas with your families. If you were like us, plans had to be somewhat rearranged due to the weather, but I don't believe it was a bad thing. The Christmas day venture we had planned to my parent's home up north was post poned until Sunday, so the kids, myself and my husband who was able to come for the day, were able to spend a rare quiet day together. Well, not really quiet. Matthew found a child size drum set under the tree from Santa and that pretty well took care of the quiet part. So not so quiet, but nice. There was a moment when I thought it was going to be tainted by the ill intention of another, yes, even on Christmas Day, but we were able to let it go and enjoy the day. The snow storm meant Matthew and I were able to go outside and build a fabulous snow man, of which we dressed in play firefighter gear from Matthew's Halloween costume. While I hope the Hastings firefighters never have to see our firefighting snowman outside of a picture, as that would mean a misfortune in the fire form at our home, we were proud of our creation all the same. Now, if only his helmet would stop blowing off..  And of course the snow allowed for some late night sledding, just Matthew and I, and that was priceless. What was also priceless were my kids' reactions to the wonderful things from Hastings family service. Our family was taken care of so well. We were truly blessed.

 

Well, as I said, now that Christmas is over and we are embarking on a new year, it is time to consider those all important New Years Resolutions. I have decided that the announcer on Monday night football said it perfectly when he said "Hold your breath and enjoy the ride." This, my friends, I believe is going to be my theme for 2010. What it says to me is the acknowledgement of uncertainty and angst in the future, but that despite that, we can still enjoy "getting there", wherever there for us may be. It says that even if this year, God forbid, is as horrific as last year was for me, that there will still be good things littered amongst the bad to enjoy, and that SHOULD be enjoyed. Now, I could list all my resolutions about eating less and exercising more, and running this or being a better that, but I don't think they are all that different or impressive resolutions from any of yours. And so I will simply leave my resolution and encouragement to you for this new year as "Hold your breath, and enjoy the ride". It will not always be a fun, or easy or pleasant ride (as the Vikings loss was not), however there will be parts that deserve to be enjoyed, good parts, that if we spend too much time focusing on the bad, we will never notice. The outcome may not be as we hope or plan, but that doesn't mean it's not the outcome that was supposed to occur, or that we can't enjoy it anyways.

 

On a final note, I wanted to take a moment to address the exchanges of letters to the editor that took place due, in part, to my suggesting we have a holiday light contest. I was deeply saddened that something as bright and hopeful as lights, could evoke such negativity this holiday season. The suggestion of putting up lights was meant to bring people together, not to draw them apart, and it saddens me that was the case. It was, afterall, Christmas. As my mom says, "It's Christmas! Can't you all just get along!" I appreciate the concern that was expressed about people spending lavish amounts of money on holiday displays instead of giving to the needy, but as the street that decorates together every year proved, you can do both. My family put up lights on our deck. We are flat broke. I used lights from last year, and a three dollar lighted window Santa. It looks beautiful and enticed three of my neighbors in my building to do the same. Putting up lights is not a sign of putting money where it does not belong. As like I said when I suggested doing so, for us, it was something to do together, when things were really rotten. The light was a symbol of hope for my family, and driving around looking at other peoples lights brought us together. And even though people are putting up lights, there is certainly no shortage of giving in Hastings. My family saw that very clearly by the generosity of others through Hastings Family service upon us this year. My whole column last week was dedicated to recognizing that and sharing our gratitude. So while it really bothered me that the intent in encouraging others to put up lights was not seen, it was there, and I think that the folks on Ms Johnsons's street got that, and beautifully how giving and lights and gratitude truly are all intertwined. Is not putting up lights, afterall, a way of giving to your neighbors and community? So with that, there will be no best display, etc. If the intent was lost, it doesn't matter any ways. My hope is that next year when the lights come out, that they are not viewed as selfishness or lack of giving, but of something very different: Generosity. Hastings does that very well. And I hope that will come in the absence of needing to dispute that otherwise.

To all of you a safe and happy New Year. See you next week.