The Mom Chronicles: Seeking Knots
In light of last week's column, I would like to start by saying that the thrill of the Halloween candy has finally left the Peterson household and my daughter's days of crawling around with not just one but two suckers sticking out of her mouth are over. At least for this year.
Unfortunately, life in the Peterson household this past week was replaced by things not so sweet. Frankly, I rather be dealing with candy bars and sticky floors then what we got this week. Let's just say, it was someone's idea of a BAD trick, a whole lot of BAD tricks, that I would seriously like to trade in for buckets upon buckets of candy. If only it were that easy.
I would like to believe that this column is place for you all to come for support and familiarity, to get an occasional laugh and place to relate. I hope over time you have been able to get something out of it. Periodically, though, the weeks come that instead of pouring out to you, I find the need to reach out and seek to pull in. This is one of those weeks, and I really hope that you can help.
I recently have come out of fourteen days in the hospital, not consecutive but two separate hospitalizations totaling fourteen days. Halloween, ironically, was my first day out, but also the first day of what has been a tremendous series of events. Since then, I found out I am losing my job (my primary one, not this one), have lost my insurance - which means I am unable to start the intensive treatment program I was supposed to be in, am soon to be loosing my apartment, my childcare assistence due to not working- which means we are going to ultimately loose our most fabulous child care provider as I can't swing twelve hundred bucks a month with out a job, and my short term disability came to an end. This all happened with in four days. Needless to say, I have been left feeling rather numb. I have tried to put on a brave face for the kids who are too little to know the difference, but as their mom I wonder how I am going to provide for them. How I am going to keep a roof over their head. How I am going to put out all of these fires that have started in my life. Like I said, someone played a bad trick on us, and part of me is waiting for someone to knock on my door and be like, just kidding! Instead you won the lottery! Woo hoo! Unfortunately, that is not going to happen.
Needless to say, this chronicle Mom has found herself for the first time in her life with out hope. It has lead me to question my ability as a mom, and to thoughts of my children being better off with out me with someone who can care for them better. And unfortunately, I have started to really believe this to a point I was off the end of my rope and started out the door. And just then, of all people, my daughter tied me a knot. I was in the living room in the middle of the night in a very bad situation and I heard her crying out in her sleep. There was a lot of mumbling but then clear as day, "Mommy! Mommy!" And she was back to sleep. At the moment I didn't have a knot to hold on to, she gave me one. I realized she needed me. And so I held on, and here I am.
I find myself in quite a predicament. All my life I have been stoic. I have been my kids primary care taker, I have been their rock and their constant. Now I am relying on them to be mine, and you as well. I am reaching out to you, my Chronicle Moms, to tie me knots in a time I can't tie them on my own. Yes, I have contacted the county, and am seeking out those kinds of support, but they are just things. They are not the things that bring meaning or purpose. And so I reach out to you to share your stories of times you have over come life at the bottem. To share about the times when as a mom you felt like you failed your kids but found a way through it. That is what I am seeking from you today.
The sun shines through the window as I write this offering warmth and brightness, two things I am not feeling so much of right now. But I think it's a sign. It has to be, of better, brighter days to come.
Thanks for listening, and for any knots you are able to tie on to my rope that I
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