The Mom Chronicles: Stop and Smell the Dandelions
Welcome back, moms! Has it been a week already? I feel like I was just here sharing my latest bout of crapiness in the form of my miscarriage. Perhaps that has been because the week has been such a roller coaster of emotions and events. While things are not really any better off, in fact are even worse on some levels, I am feeling a little better, and so I am thankful for that.
Wait a minute. did I just say I am feeling better when things are getting worse? That hardly makes any sense at all. As we are here now, I am two weeks away from having to move my family into a shelter unless a small miracle occurs, or at least series of necessary events needed to prevent that. This weekend we had to give away my dog, which has been a therapeutic out for me and best friend to a certain four year old in my house, something which brought on only more loss and sobs to a very sad little boy and his mom at a time already full of grief and loss. We had the painful task of choosing a name for our baby we lost (We chose Charley) and continue to go through the process of mourning that loss has brought.
Now I admit, my soul has had many dark, dark moments this week. At one point I was in my doctors office with the only words that could come out being of sincere wishes to just be done with this life. To die. That life was no longer worth it. That I was just..done. White flag. I surrender. All the hurt and issues of the past I have worked so hard to overcome, all the battles recently fought just don't quite seem worth it anymore. Why, I asked, would I want to continue to fight so hard when more pain and suffering are just inevitable?
Well, fortunately I have an amazing doctor. He's the best. I'd give him like a trophy full of bling and flashing lights that say "World's best doctor EVER" if such a thing existed (instead he had to settle for homemade cookies, which I must say isn't exactly settling with that particular recipe!) He knew and cared enough to try to talk some sense in to me , which didn't solve a thing, but gave the heartfelt message of being truly cared for and valued, not to mention a necessity for my kids, and I left having my heart felt squeezed, in a good way.
A couple other things happened this week that left my heart feeling squeezed in a good way. One occured at a garage sale of all places where a dear and thoughtful loyal reader of this column overwhelmed me with support and well wishes and generosity of spirit and made my day. Then there is a member of my church that I have had the privledge of connecting with in the past, but whom I connected with at a deeper level this week. While a bit overloaded with clients in her job, she's made the time to be there for me, help and support me in my quest to find resources for my family, and she's been amazing. She'd of gotten cookies, too, if only our interactions had been in person and not just via email!
And while these have brought great comfort to my aching heart, the greatest boost to my spirit came from my son this week. As you know he recently started preschool. Well, Friday before pick up time the kids were outside playing and doing what kids do. Myself and the other parents anxiously waited as our kids filed back in to their class to get ready to go. Low and behold near the tail end of the line appears my son, and in his hand, a bouquet of dandelions, just for me! When he saw me his eyes lit up and he promptly left his spot in line and and he rushed them over to me exclaiming "Mom! I picked these for YOU!" I squeezed him and told him he made my day. There I stood as he rejoined his classmates, feeling like the luckiest mom in the world.My son loves me so much that while the other kids were rolling down the hill and frolicking around, he noticed the flowers and took the time to pick them for me.Just me! How lucky am I ? And even though they were just dandelions, it was the most beautiful, most heartfelt bouquet I have ever received. My heart overflowed.
And so my moms, while nothing has changed in terms of any positive advancements in my home situation, what did change was that I was given the opportunity to be blessed by my own son in such a way that I truly fell more in love with him then I ever even have been. Additionally my life has been touched by people who value me enough that they have stepped outside of themselves and their lives to touch mine, in some cases with out even knowing me or having ever met me. And while those things change nothing physically, they change a lot soulfully. They have brought some light in to a very dark time in my life and I can only hope and pray that if you are going through times like my family's that you may be blessed in such a way as I.
And so this week, I find myself in the darkest of moments stopping and smelling the dandelions. And let me tell you they smell positively delightful. I may not yet know what form of roof will be over my kids heads in a couple weeks, what my financial status will be, and so many other uncertainties, but by God I feel loved. And for now, that's all a girl can wish for.
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