The Mom Chronicles: Finding Joy
I feel like the the only words to start this column with are the painful "Here we go again". You see my moms, while many of you are here eagerly awaiting the joyous news I promised in last week's column, and I will keep my promise of news, it is not the news I had planned to be sharing.
You see, as many of you were out enjoying the Labor Day weekend, perhaps taking in the fair or a last trip to the cabin, I was home being run over by the freight train of grief and loss that seems to have found me, dug it's claws in to me, and doesn't seem to ever want to let go.
You see, if all went as planned and hoped this week I was going to be announcing the expectancy of another Peterson family member, in the form of another baby. In fact, there was even speculation of there being more then one. And then this week as the days got closer to this column being written, the pain started. Then the spotting and finally cramping. A little persistence got my doctor to check my hormone levels and while the first looked promising, the second was certainly not. Those wonderful pregnancy hormones dropped in half, almost simultaneously as the bleeding and passing of those beautiful baby tissues began to pass. This, on the weekend marking the second anniversary of my last miscarriage two years ago. And so now you can say, then there were two, in heaven that is.
This is so not the column I want to be writing right now, let me tell you. In fact if there were any way to avoid it and make this whole thing disappear I would. However, I made a promise to you and to myself that sharing this news I would, no matter how it turned out.
You see, this column was also to memorialize our first baby we lost, Sam. It would include how deeply she's missed and how it is only after two years that we have finally gotten to this place to be brave enough to try again. Not to replace, but to move on.
Additionally, after I suffered in so much silence during the last miscarriage, I vowed to share this pregnancy early on that I may have people to rejoice with in the times it goes well, and to take comfort in when or if it didn't.
Now a lot could be said of the timing of this event. I admit I was leary to share in light of the horrific situation my family is in. And yet this very personal decision was made between us earlier this summer to try as I have some worsening chronic conditions of my female system that need to be addressed with a long term solution, and if there was going to be an attempt at that long desired number three, it was needing to happen during a small window of opportunity presented to us this summer. Great timing, no. But it's hard to argue with biology and Mother nature.
And so here we are. Many of you may be thinking, well that's just better or as I have already heard "Be thankful for the two you have. Maybe this is God trying to tell you something. Listen to him." Such words are not only not helpful now, in fact are quite hurtful. Instead what has been helpful are some of the simple "I am so sorry for your loss" messages that have been posted on my facebook page. My mom's words of encouragement as she suffered three miscarriages herself. And with that I am so blessed to have the family and friends I do. My folks have been an enormous support through everything these past months and while they more then anyone could have been less then excited for us, did what they continue to do best, be there for us supporting us through everything with the unconditional love, lack of judgment and support that parents should have for their kids, with out any deserving on our part.
And so my moms I promised a joyful column this week. Thus far it has been lacking in just that. And while it is hard to find joy in such a double whammy of loss as this is, I am going to try. I admit I am having a hard time with the whole "this happened for a reason" and "God doesn't give you more then you can handle" messages. While deep down I know these to be true, for now they feel like crap. So finding joy is certainly a stretch. In fact I have gone so far as to be angry at Sam, the first baby that was lost, as she get's this new baby to play with and we don't. Doesn't she have enough friends in heaven?
In fact however, that last statement is the one that holds the joy. I know because of my faith, which I admit is lacking at the moment, that this baby, while not in my loving arms, will be in the loving arms of the only other person I would full heartedly trust to care for my baby in the event I couldn't. The only joy here, is that this baby, while not on this earth, will be surrounded with nothing but beauty and love and care and support that they could only dream of here. By being in heaven it will not have to deal with the selfishness, the pain, the cruelty that walks on our earth. And so in that, I find joy.
I do deeply hope that in time there will be an opportunity for me to share news with you of a new baby that does make it in to my arms. In the mean time, though, I can only ask for your thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time.
You know, It is often easy for people to cast judgment on others in situations as such. Judgments about timing and the like. But a baby is a very personal decision, and in my eyes is a blessing no matter what. Additionally if you aren't there in pain, don't expect to be there in joy. And so my moms as I embark on the weeks ahead that are sure to feel dark and heavy, I hope you will walk with me that in the end, we will find joy.
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