Moms~
This was one of the most challenging columns to write.. Finding the right words to say was something I struggled with as I addressed the events of the last week at Hastings Middle School. I hope some comfort can be found in these words somewhere....
Amy
The Mom Chronicles: Calm After the Storm
Hi, moms. Welcome back to the Chronicles.I hope this column finds you and your families all safe and healthy and dare I say happy.
I would imagine that seems like kind of an odd way to start, however, I believe in light of the events of the past week or so it's most fitting.Now, I myself may not have a child old enough to have been in the middle school that day, however I am still a mom, and I don't think I had to have children there to be able to offer my empathy and compassion for those of you who did.
In fact, in the most loosest of sense, any parent can relate to any of you. While perhaps not the same sense of having our children's lives and safety threatened in the place we feel most confident and safe in sending them, as parents, we all experience times where our kids are hurt or threatened or are faced with some kind of trauma or tragedy. I guess you could say it kind of comes with the territory.
This past weekend, for example, I had clinicals for my EMT program. That meant spending 10 hours in an ER in the cities, and the same on an ambulance in northern MN. Both were very eye opening events, and reminded me how tragedy and pain can come around us at the times we least expect. I think, for example, of the four year old boy we treated for a fall out of his second story bedroom window on to the pavement waiting for him below. Or of the six year old who was helping his mom in the yard when she inadvertantly cut off part of his finger with a garden sheers when his little hand got in the way at the last moment. These were not things either of these families planned for, or expected. And when they did come their way, of course as would be the case with any of us, they were devistated. I spent just as much time consoling the mother of the four year old, as I did treating him. And when the situation got to be a little too much for mom, I stepped in and we sang the ABC's, and some of his favorite songs. For the six year old, there was also a substantial amount of mom guilt. Of that sick feeling of how this ever happened. But like what transpired in our local middle school last week, both were accidents. Both were unplanned, unwarrented, unwanted.
For the parents from this weekend and for many of you, I am well aware of the next obstacle that may be faced. Now is that dreaded time when the storm of the initial event has calmed and we are left with an unsettling clear sky that should feel comforting but doesn't quite. For many of us, it is because we spent so much time attending to our kids and their needs following the event, that we have not yet dealt with it ourselves. I for example, teach 7th grade confirmation here in town. We spent our whole small group time this past week processing how the girls in my group were feeling about what happened in their school. There were mixed reactions, all of which had an underlying theme of fear and loss. Loss of security. Loss of comfort in a familiar place. In a sense, a feeling of violation. For me, I did the best I could in offering words and support I hoped and prayed would be of some help. And after the fact, I felt like our time together was very blessed. And I tried to shelf the conversation until the next day when it came time to put in my son's registration for preschool. Suddenly fear, uneasyness, hesitation. All at once I did not want to turn in his registration. And not just his preschool registration but his kindergarden or any registration for years to come. My husband's words of "And you want to send our kids THERE to school?" suddenly rang loud and clear. And it wasn't until that moment that I recognized my own feelings about the situation, and that perhaps I am not all that different from all of you afterall.
So what now? What do you do? What do the parents of the kids from this weekend do? The best I can say, is we hope and we pray that it doesn't happen again. We take time to reflect as we need and to address the feelings we ourselves may be experiencing. This was not just traumatic for our kids, but for you as well. I saw proof of this in the relief of a dad greeting his daughter after school that day. He held her and hugged her until she was like, "Um dad, you can let go now." None of us ever really let go do we?
So as life goes on and appears to move on from this sitation, I hope you are not surprised if your feelings of the matter don't just move on. Sometimes, as in after a death, it feels as if the world just continues and doesn't seem to care what just happened. We don't feel like we are moving on with it. Dont' be surprised if a month from now or five months from now when we send our kids back to school in the fall if these feelings are sturred or seem to come up out of the blue. And I hope if they do, that you talk about them. That you talk to other parents, a pastor, a spouse, a friend, a medical provider. It may be a time to start a journal to get some of those thoughts out of your head. You may be inspired at those moments to check in with your kids to see how they are doing. And in the mean time, don't forget the basic things, eating well, getting rest, taking time outs or spending quiet time alone. Basically whatever you need to help restore the peace and security you were feeling before this happened.
But mostly, let this be a reminder to hold tight to your children. Hug them. Love them. Take time to read to them or play with them or help them with homework even when laundry or housework or other tasks call. Be reminded that our time with our kids is never guaranteed. So make the most of it. And if by chance, some other tragedy happens or befalls you, come back to this time and how you have not just survived but hopefully rose above it. For I feel we will all come out of this more united, and bonded and stronger then ever.
Take time for yourselves and take care, moms. And whenever you need it, we are here.
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