The Mom Chronicles:Learning to Walk

October 22nd 09


The Mom Chronicles: Learning To Walk

Firsts. As humans we experience them every day.As moms we get the joy of experiencing them two fold, between ourselves and our children.There are all kinds of firsts. Firsts words.First haircut.First tooth.First date.First kiss. This past week my daughter experienced a first. Her first steps alone.

Ella is 18 months.She suffers from some gross motor delays which stem in part from being a premie and also due to some physical deformities, for lack of a better word.Her hip does not rotate exactly as it should, her tibias are torked, her feet out toed, meaning they point outwords.Due to this, she has been unable to walk or stand as her ankles and feet which are incredibly flexible due to her prematurity and issues at birth, as well as due to the forementioned issues, have made it quite difficult. So after consulting with our primary doctor, he referred us to the Gillette System in St.Paul.The thing is that as a child, I had the same issues.In fact, it was my mother whom noticed the severity of Ella’s legs, as she recognized it as something that I, too dealt with.For me it meant multiple braces, specialized shoes and the like.For Ella it has meant braces on her feet and physical therapy.The hope is that her legs will straighten out in time.If not, we will surgically have to help them out. Additionally, Ella will always require foot correction of some kind.This in mind, up to this point, Ella has not walked.

Ella has watched her friends run circles around her.The little girls at the park that used to be content to sit and play with her have since learned to walk themselves and no longer have had the desire to sit stationary with Ella. This is heartbreaking to me. That is, it’s been heartbreaking to me, until this week.

While sitting in the doctors office waiting for my own appointment, I got a text message from my husband who had just picked up the kids for me. Ella had walked.She had taken her first steps, and I missed it. She did it for him and her day care provider.My heart sank.Don’t get me wrong, I was suddenly filled with joy in her new success and what it means for her in terms of her independence and socialization, but in a most selfish way, I wished it didn’t happen.Not with out me.Afterall, I am the one who is there for her.Who has taken her to her appointments.Who has worked with her incessantly. And I am the one she didn’t perform for first.

That evening, Ella did show me a couple steps.She was like a baby calf or horse you would see on a farm, legs wobbling and not so sure of herself.Regardless, though, she stepped. I was so thrilled she decided to share that with me.

While I was sad and disappointed her first steps were not in front of me, the joy is in the fact that Ella found her steps to begin with. She is not walking all over yet or even making a tremendous amounts of attempts at steps, but she has made progress.Finally.And to watch that, has been quite the process.

My daughter learning to walk has come at a time that I am learning new skills, too.It’s funny how that always seems to happen- my daughter and I learning parallelly. What that means is that my legs, too feel a bit shaky at times. I do not always feel sure of my next step, nor do I want to let go of a secure hand or finger. I am learning things that will hopefully improve my quality of lifein terms and that will carry me many more days in my life. The same is true for my daughter.

This brings me back to how this column started: with firsts. Each of us experiences them. This past week, my daughter had a big one. One that gives me a tremendous hope that we are making progress and that she will be all right. My first was that during the same time I hit an all time low in my life, and for the first time l lost my hope. I like Ella’s first, better. Fortunately, I have a doctor, I have people in my life who care a tremendous amount about me.Enough to recognize this first in me, and to know that I needed morefingers to hold on to. I thank them for that. I thank him for that.This week, as I strive to take steps out of the darkness of depression that has plagued my life for the past several months, I will celebrate with my daughter as she learns to take the physical steps that will carry her through the rest of her life. That is exciting for both of us.

This week, I encourage you to reflect on your and your children’s firsts. Are you or your kids experiencing some firsts? How are you celebrating them or marking them?Ella’s first steps will be recorded in her baby book as having taken place at exactly 18 months of age to the day. There are many things in life that go uncrecorded. Perhaps this should not be the case. Perhaps instead we should celebrate and rejoice in all of them, as we do our kids. I for one am celebrating. Not celebrating that my first was as painful as it was, but that I am loved enough that it was noticed.

See you next week.