Liam Marvin

This is my update from the past few weeks. It's funny. I think about coming here almost everyday to pour out my soul. For the first time in my life I have started a journal and stuck to it. That, and a couple really good books on grief have helped me through the past couple weeks.
So, an update. My baby was a boy. A little boy! We named him Liam Marvin. Liam because we had it chose as our boy name, and Marvin after my grandfather. Due to him being further along, I had some complications with the D and E to remove his remains, and ended up having to have a second. We chose to have him cremated, which was difficult, but is something I am so very, very glad to have done.
That said, I brought him "home" this past week. It was not how I wanted to bring my little baby boy home, in a shiny silver heart shaped urn. But life does not always go how we hope or want and so it is how it happened. When I got my little boy home I curled up with him, his blankey we got him and a blue stuffed Snoopy puppy with a bright red ribbon, also gotten just for him, and read him "Good Night  Moon" and sung him the goodnight song I sing to my other children at bed time each night. To the person who has never lost a child this may seem a little odd or strange, but it was exactly what I needed to do at the time.
I have not hidden that heart container that holds his remains from my living children. I explained at a four year old level to my son what the container holds and I periodically find him in my room "snuggling" with Liam, too. It makes me sad and happy at the same time.
As for me, I am going through the grief process in a very real way. I have been going through a book called "Grieving the Child I never knew" which has been phenomenal. Each day is different. Some are ok, others suck. Some days go well and then I am hit out of left field with intolerable sadness. People don't understand. They think I should be over it. They say things like how I should just be glad to have the kids I do have. I never held him, they think. I never saw him outside of my belly. How can I miss him so much? The truth is I miss him because he was MINE. Many days I feel like this grief is just mine, as well. I saw him, felt him, carried him. When he died so did a part of me. Now I seek answers and try to forge on.
Speaking of answers, I am going through the process of meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist (aka fertility doc) and having several series of blood work done. If all goes well I can try again in two months. If not we will know that, too. Having another baby has suddenly become a very important and central part of my life. i don't know that that is entirely good, but I can't hardly believe that it is entirely bad, either. I also struggle with knowledge I have obtained that there were some interventions that could have possibly been done in the pregnancy. This is very hard for me to know, but at this point I can't change the outcome.
And so I continue to forge on. I have a sister and a cousin pregnant. That pains me greatly that I won't be able to compare growing bellies with them this summer. My sister is asking me for maternity clothes, and I recently had to buy a baby gift for my husband's brother who just had a new baby and both are grossly painful, but are things I have had to accept. I can't prevent others from being happy or having babies. I can just take time to be gentle to myself and care for myself when I encounter them.
And so, life goes on. I will continue to update you on my journey that I hope one day will be at least a bit more tolerable.
Amy